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Twi-hard to believe

November 23, 2011

I’m not sure if I should dare admit it.  I did it.  I’ve officially seen all Twilight movies.  And, yes, the last one was seen in the cinema.  On opening weekend.

However, I find it seriously Twi-hard to believe that that these films can continue to garner so much attention and such a following.  In my small opinion, the films, well, suck.  Yes, pun totally intended.

But as it is with all things that gain worldwide, popular appeal (I could go on an on about Justin Bieber here…), more often than not, it’s in analyzing, and over-analyzing and over-over-analyzing them – successes alongside crappiness – that their influence and stronghold in mainstream media is assured.  Furthered, even.  I mean, all the talk, and all the photos, and all the crazy fan behavior drew in even this self-proclaimed Twilight non-fan.

So here goes: a little blurb on all things I can’t seem to wrap my mind around when it comes to multi-bazillion dollar vampire sagas.

Eight hours of cakey white makeup and orange lips, brooding, and vampire-on-werewolf combat, and how many events have actually transpired?  Five?  Six, tops.  Girl meets vampire. Girl is chased by other vampires.  Girl goes to Italy and encounters a new group of vampires.  One of the aforementioned vampires chases girl again.  Girl marries vampire.  Girl births half-vampire baby that is sure to create, at maximum, one more event in the two-hour “thriller’ that is yet to come.  Equals…six.  Amazing.  This fan of French cinema, notorious for its total lack of action and cornucopia of clever dialogue, must admit that more actually happens in the average French film than has happened after four movies here.  And one definitely can’t cite riveting dialogue as it’s saving grace.

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Yes, Edward is oddly appealing in his artsy-fartsy, tousled hair, withdrawn, old-school gentleman persona.  But, seriously, what modern, independent, headstrong girl is turned on by a guy so out of reach that the only way to completely solidify her presence in his life is to leave hers behind and completely transform?  Haven’t mothers, and best friends, and the ladies from Sex and the City tried enough times to counsel the female population on the merits of finding a guy who allows you to be you?  And I can’t even begin to express my weirded out state when watching the long-awaited love scene.  Bruises, hand prints seemingly burned onto the skin, and an intense focus on a completely destroyed bedroom surely don’t scream a profound love for which a lonely vampire has been waiting a hundred plus years.  And our heroine actually pleads for more.  Begs really.  Gross.

Keeping to the theme of vampire love, the only thing more more stomach-turning than the 1-hour of vampire/human action are the completely cheesy sexual innuendos.  The film’s dorky references to sexuality – Bella’s orgasm-like reaction to Edward’s bite, the restraint he must adopt to overcome his carnal desire to to transform Bella, references to Bella as something to “eat”, Bella’s threat to seek help from Alice if Edward won’t give her what she wants – are just a few.  Such blatant references don’t necessarily mix well with all the talk of abstinence until marriage and gentlemanly vampire ways.   Maybe I’m the raunchy one in picking out the sexual ironies here, but this sort of talk doesn’t seem to jive with a movie based on a book by a Mormon author and destined for the tween population.  And for all of those adult Twihards out there, is this really a turn-on?

Please, I beg of you all, do explain what makes this series so good!  What’s the attraction?  What draws you in?  Critics scream flop while movie goers, myself included, fork over the cash.  Maybe another opinion may help me understand the addiction to seriously bad cinema.

And will I see the last installment?  Errr….probably.  It’s almost like not being able to avert your eyes when passing a car accident on the freeway.   Who would miss witnessing a train wreck waiting to happen?

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